It’s been two days since I forced him to say goodbye forever. I shouldn’t have pushed him that far, instead I must have said that I’m sorry for hurting him, for saying rude comments to every nice word, compliment and how beautiful, special I am to him. I still can’t get it to my mind when that day he told he still like me even though we were far away and been almost two years since he left from Lima to star a new life over to LA.
I’m feel guilty and bad for telling him about Nathan to make it sound like Dai dai was more special and precious to me, when I know that he still have my heart. For remembering his smile, smug- smartass comments in a funny way that makes me smile and laugh from ear to ear. Just picturing his face or smile, makes flutter badly inside me. I would laugh, smile like silly girl who had read some funny jokes. I still miss our conversations of everything and nothing.
I know I don’t have any rights to even dream about him, ‘cause he has rights to star over in his new home and to find love again. What if he has already dating or if he is an item with another girl and is way more thoughtful, funny and beautiful and I still think of him? It’s not right, mustn’t get worried about him, he has the Monster and the guys. I’m nothing compared to what he really need for his life. He likes children, I do not. He might like red roses or black prince, mines are tulips and lilies.
What we may be alike is that we don’t know what the other likes in most stuff, what is our favorite color, food, hobbies. We just shared some our dreams, that doesn’t mean we are meant to be, right???
He still did not notice that I lied about me blocking him. The truth is I did block him and deleted him from my account. But then I started missing him tons, missed our talks on msn, missing his comments, how he cared about me, how he went through his day. That’s why I added him again, just to see him from afar when he was online and I pretended to be busy or offline. I did not expect him to talk to me again neither now that I have screwed up everything of our friendship. I bet he would really this time make my “wishes” his commands. He won’t contact me anymore and I don’t know what to do to make it up to him.
I shouldn’t have been so stubborn and selfish. I must have got over his silly mistake of not getting my email right and talk like we used to. But now I have to face the consequences of my actions and getting remorse for what I had caused. I won’t know what to do if we crossed paths again. Would he still look at me with sorrowful eyes for his “mistake” or would look at me with resentment and hate? A look I never had pictured in him since we first met. But we know that a man has a limit line of patience on whoever it is; and I am that crossed his line, and might have pissed him off in the process. I don’t found surprise if he treat me badly from now on if I bump into him.
Moreover I should be the one looking ashamed of my behavior and looking down to the floor letting him tell me off, for I must paid the price of being disrespectful towards the only I had fall that long and hard, a special person that I could confide in everything and that had encouraged me to carry on in the treatment of my legs when I wasn’t ok.
For he deserves someone better, I must let him go from now on of my heart, life and spirit.
